Through Your Child's Eyes

Your children don’t see their mommy as you see yourself. They don’t see the flaws, the failures, the imperfections. They have the beautiful gift of seeing through all that. 

Instead, they see the core of everything we are.

They don’t see tired eyes in the morning. They see the mommy who was up with them at all hours of the night. 

They don’t see the messy hair and lack of make up. They see the silly faces you make that cause a laugh to ripple from their tiny bodies. 

They don't see their mommy who can't even sing a nursery song on key. They see their mommy who loves to sing all their favorite songs to them over and over again.

They don't see their mommy in a stain covered shirt. They see their mommy's shoulder where they want to rest their tiny head.

They don’t see their mom in pj’s at 4pm. They see their mommy who is on the floor helping them build a tower with their blocks.  

They don’t see the floor that hasn't been vacuumed in weeks. They see the space that they can play and be themselves. 

They don’t see the kitchen sink (and countertop...and stove top) that is cluttered with dirty dishes. They see the conversations they had with you while you were cooking and eating. 

They don’t see piles of dirty laundry that need to be cleaned. They see all their favorite clothes that they had fun wearing. 

They don’t see their mommy who has zero energy to play outside. They see their mommy who cuddles in bed and reads books with them. 

They don’t see the failed Pinterest crafts and experiments. They see the laughter and the fun they had trying something new.

They don’t see when mommy and daddy can’t afford the organic foods. They see the food that they love placed in front of them for them to enjoy.

They don’t see all the judgmental glances from strangers when in public. They see their mommy who knows them better than anyone. 

They don’t see when their mommy gets scared. They see their mommy who always protects them. 

They don’t see the limits we put on ourselves. They see their mommy who can do anything.

They don’t see their mommy who wishes she was like all the other moms. They see their mommy who they wouldn't trade for the world. 

Forgive Yourself

I remember when Grayson was just a couple months old, I made what I thought was the most careless mistake I could make as his mother. 

It started one evening during dinner. He was awake when we got to the restaurant but was tired by the time we were ordering. I placed him into his car seat and covered him up with his blanket so he wouldn’t be cold. I figured he would probably wake up soon because he needed to eat, so I didn’t bother with strapping him in. 

The end of the meal came and Grayson was still passed out. Instead of waking him, I just let him continue to sleep and decided I would feed him when we got home. I put his car seat into the car and drove off. During the ride home an 18 wheeler almost drifted into my lane which was terrifying because the truck was on one side of me and the barrier for the highway was on the other side of me. I was cornered in. I slowed down and stayed behind him until I reached my exit.

It wasn’t until I had parked, walked up the stairs, and was inside the apartment that I realized that my baby boy was sitting in his car seat completely unstrapped. 

I still remember grabbing him from his seat, bringing him close to my chest, and sobbing harder than I had in a very long time. I apologized profusely to this perfect baby who had no idea what I was saying. All I could think about was what would have happened if that 18 wheeler had swerved more into my lane. 

My job as a mom is to protect my baby and I had just failed him in a way that could have cost him his life. 

I’ll never forget how hard I was on myself. I told myself I would never forgive myself. I told myself that I didn’t deserve him. That he deserved a mommy that wouldn’t forget something so incredibly simple yet so vital. I asked God why He would give me a child when it was clear that I couldn’t even properly take care of him. I told God I didn’t deserve something as precious as this baby I was holding. 

I truly believed, in that moment, that I didn’t deserve my son anymore.

Now, I’ll stop here to say that a huge part of my reaction was due to the postpartum depression I was battling at the time. It didn’t help that I had no idea I was struggling with it until way way late in the game. I just thought I couldn’t handle the emotions and that I was failing all around. But still, a part of me seriously doubted that I could ever be the kind of mom Grayson deserved. 

I remember that I hid this failure from my husband for a few days before finally breaking and admitting what I had done. I sobbed all over again. I expected him to get upset and stressed myself out over all the possible things he might tell me.

But his response? 

“It’s ok. We all make mistakes. What matters is that you are both safe. Don’t stress over it, just learn from it and move on. You are a great mother and that’s just proven in how much you are worrying about this.”

It was such a loving and forgiving response that I’ll never forget it. I should have been relieved from that conversation but I wasn’t though. I told myself that even if he forgave me, I knew better. What I had done was unacceptable. Days after the incident, I still hadn’t forgiven myself. 

A long while after this all happened, I had a friend of mine text me freaking out saying that she just got home and had forgotten to strap her baby into the car seat before driving. My response to that? 

“It’s ok! Don’t stress out, what matters is that you both are safe! You are a great mom who loves your kids deeply and this doesn’t change that, not even one bit. Don’t beat yourself up over it!”

I wasn’t just saying it because they were nice words. I wanted her to know and believe that she was a great mom. That one mistake doesn’t mean she’s not worthy. I knew it was the truth and I wouldn’t back down until she accepted it too.

The same words I desperately wanted her to know and believe were the same words I couldn’t accept for myself. 

I’m quick to forgive others but I’m harsh and unforgiving to myself. I see moms do this all the time. They make a mistake and they can’t forgive them self, even though they wouldn’t bat an eye if someone else made that same mistake. Our expectations for ourselves are so much higher than those that we have for our friends or family. 

If you find yourself being hard on yourself, I encourage you to stop and pretend that whatever mistake you just made was instead made by a close friend. What would you tell her? 

Now stop and tell that to yourself. 

You wouldn’t tell your friend that she’s worthless and useless. You wouldn’t tell your friend that she can’t be forgiven. You wouldn’t tell your friend that she doesn’t deserve her child. You wouldn’t tell your friend that her kid would be better suited with another mom. You wouldn’t tell your friend that she clearly doesn’t love her kid. You would never say all that to someone you love. 

Don’t say it to yourself, either.

That mistake you made? It’s going to be ok. You aren’t the only one who isn’t perfect. You aren’t even the first mom who has made that exact same mistake before. Your children will be ok. They probably won’t even remember whatever it is that happened. 

It’s going to be ok. 

Try to see yourself the way your friends see you. 

The way your family sees you. 

The way God sees you. 

Imperfectly perfect.

One Day

I knew that motherhood was going to be difficult. Having been a nanny for several years prior to my first pregnancy, I never once doubted that.

What I underestimated, though, was how difficult it would be. How exhausting it would be. How little time I would get to myself (do bathroom breaks count as time to myself if my child stares at me from the sink while I pee?). How often I would cry. How often I would fail. How emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually drained I would be.

All this pretty much on a daily basis.

It's hard to enjoy going out because I'm running after children constantly. I'm terrified of someone snatching my kids up so I won't let them too far away from me, but they have so much energy that they go all crazy. They always seem to hurt themselves some how. I always forget something everywhere we go. I'm considering just keeping half their closet in my trunk because, well, potty training. Need I say more? We have to work around nap schedules and going out tends to mean naptime happens in the car, or worse, not at all. It's just so much stress that it's simply easier to stay home.

It's hard to enjoy meals (especially in restaurants) because I have to either choose to feed the kiddos first while everyone else eats and my plate gets cold, or eat with everyone else while everyone stares at my kids making the mess of a lifetime with their food. Lose lose situation. And don't get me started on the trips to the potty during the meal. One time we went out with friends and I made three potty trips (with the same kid!) before I got a bite in. That last potty trip was actually right when the food arrived, of course.

And we can't talk about parenting responsibilities without talking about a lack of alone time. My kids almost never want to leave my side. It's overwhelmingly precious and utterly frustrating at the same time. Sometimes you just need 10 minutes to yourself. I'll try to sneak away sometimes (because I have the gigantic blessing of family who can help) but I'm typically about 5 steps away when the boys (especially my youngest) realize that I'm leaving. Oh, the horror. So they start crying and yelling "mommy", which of course makes me feel guilty and ruins any chance of actual rest, all while stressing out whoever I'm leaving the kids with for those moments.

It's all just too much sometimes. 

Sometimes I'm just done parenting. Sometimes I just let the kids feed themselves and say I'll clean up the mess later. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to stop what I was doing to clean up a potty accident. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the last one done at almost every meal. Sometimes I wish the kids would just play nice and quiet and that they would clean up their own mess instead of screaming and dumping every toy they own onto the floor. Sometimes I pass my phone to my kids so they can play a game while I take 10 minutes to close my eyes.

Sometimes, on the really hard days, I cry and wish for this phase to be over so we can be in the next one already.

Then I remember that one day we will be. 

One day the boys will go to the bathroom all by themselves. One day they will serve and feed themselves. One day they will pick out their own clothes and dress themselves. One day they will pack their own things and buckle themselves into a car I won't even be in. One day they will want to be alone rather than spending time with me. One day they will choose friends and girls over their mommy. One day, I may never get called "mommy" again, but just simply "mom".

One day they won't need me anymore.

Everyday that passes is a day closer to that moment. Right now I get the snuggles when we play together. I get to hold their tiny hands as we walk to the bathroom together. I get to tickle the kiddo's sides as I put them into their car seats. I get to play "I spy" and "Simon Says" and sing silly songs that we make up together while we drive around. I get to feel them breathing as they sleep in my arms. I get bombarded with hugs and kisses, and I hear "I love you, mommy" countless times a day. 

Today you might cry because of how difficult these years are. But sooner than we know it, we will be crying because we can never get these days, hours, and minutes back. This moment, this exact moment, is one we will long to relive. 

So, sure it's tough being a mom. By far one of the toughest things I've ever done in my life, even. But don't give up. Don't let the hardest of days bring you down. Those days end and usually are followed with some amazing lifelong memory making moments. 

Mommas, remember how incredibly blessed you are. Not only to have those sweet little ones in your arms, but to know that that is exactly where they want to be. Those sweet babies are in the happiest place on Earth.

Right in their mommy's arms. 

Shout out to the "Mean Mommies"

My kiddos have always been momma's boys. They trample over anything and anyone to get to me, they snuggle and cuddle with me, they give the best hugs, and they tell me all the time that they love me. (They aren't always angelic though, but that's for a different post!)

Even with all that, my 3 year old just started a new thing. He just got to the "You aren't being nice to me, mommy!" phase. Also known as the "mean mommy" phase.

Which, isn't it early to be at this stage already? I thought this wasn't supposed to happen until the preteen/middle school years. How was I so wrong about the timing of this?

Back to the point. 

The first time he said it I admit that I was genuinely concerned. His face got scrunched up, he crossed his arms, and he turned away from me. This was totally new. I remember thinking maybe I did do something wrong. He can't be that upset that I told him to get into his car seat, right? His love language is Words of Affirmation so I thought maybe I wasn't being gentle enough with my tone (a daily struggle for me). I know that Grayson is very sensitive to disappointment and harsh tones. Was that what had just happened here?

No. Apparently I wasn't being nice or "fair" by not letting my 3 year old sit in the front passenger seat while we took a drive across the city. That's what made me a mean mommy that day.

Other things that have deemed me as being a mean mommy lately:

-I made him try going potty on the toilet before we got into the car
-I wouldn't let him stay up all night
-I told him he couldn't play outside since I was cooking and couldn't be out there to watch him
-and I wouldn't give him a lollypop for breakfast.

He's got a pretty tough life, ladies. Insert eye roll here.

If he doesn't get his way, in his own timing, it must mean that I'm being mean and I don't care about him. It use to frustrate me. Why can't he just understand that I want what is best for him. I'm here to protect him and guard him. I love him beyond comprehension and everything I do is so that he has the best life possible. I tell him all this repeatedly, so why can't he just grasp it already?

But then I remember I do the exact same thing with God. 

I pray for things to happen and then get upset, sad, or feel let down if situations don't go my way. I think that somehow I know what's best for my life, when in fact I'm really just like my 3 year old. I can't see beyond my own perspective.

I'm grateful for my son's new phase because it's a reminder to myself to stop questioning God's timing or reasoning. He knows what is best for me before I could ever guess it. I have to trust and have faith that God is in control and that means everything will be all right.

If you are going through this phase with your children today, let me encourage you to change your perspective. When your kid calls you a mean mommy, what he really means to say is that you are being a loving mommy. A caring mommy.  It really means you are so selfless that you give up approval and love from someone whom you care so much about in order for them to be safe, healthy, and have the tools for life that they need.

That sounds like success to me! 

You are doing good, momma! Keep telling them no to certain things. Keep their tummies happy, their bodies safe, and their minds protected. 

One day your kiddos will not only understand but actually thank you for it.

Don't hold your breath though. My guess is that it will happen right around the time they turn into a mean mommy or daddy themselves.