Forgive Yourself

I remember when Grayson was just a couple months old, I made what I thought was the most careless mistake I could make as his mother. 

It started one evening during dinner. He was awake when we got to the restaurant but was tired by the time we were ordering. I placed him into his car seat and covered him up with his blanket so he wouldn’t be cold. I figured he would probably wake up soon because he needed to eat, so I didn’t bother with strapping him in. 

The end of the meal came and Grayson was still passed out. Instead of waking him, I just let him continue to sleep and decided I would feed him when we got home. I put his car seat into the car and drove off. During the ride home an 18 wheeler almost drifted into my lane which was terrifying because the truck was on one side of me and the barrier for the highway was on the other side of me. I was cornered in. I slowed down and stayed behind him until I reached my exit.

It wasn’t until I had parked, walked up the stairs, and was inside the apartment that I realized that my baby boy was sitting in his car seat completely unstrapped. 

I still remember grabbing him from his seat, bringing him close to my chest, and sobbing harder than I had in a very long time. I apologized profusely to this perfect baby who had no idea what I was saying. All I could think about was what would have happened if that 18 wheeler had swerved more into my lane. 

My job as a mom is to protect my baby and I had just failed him in a way that could have cost him his life. 

I’ll never forget how hard I was on myself. I told myself I would never forgive myself. I told myself that I didn’t deserve him. That he deserved a mommy that wouldn’t forget something so incredibly simple yet so vital. I asked God why He would give me a child when it was clear that I couldn’t even properly take care of him. I told God I didn’t deserve something as precious as this baby I was holding. 

I truly believed, in that moment, that I didn’t deserve my son anymore.

Now, I’ll stop here to say that a huge part of my reaction was due to the postpartum depression I was battling at the time. It didn’t help that I had no idea I was struggling with it until way way late in the game. I just thought I couldn’t handle the emotions and that I was failing all around. But still, a part of me seriously doubted that I could ever be the kind of mom Grayson deserved. 

I remember that I hid this failure from my husband for a few days before finally breaking and admitting what I had done. I sobbed all over again. I expected him to get upset and stressed myself out over all the possible things he might tell me.

But his response? 

“It’s ok. We all make mistakes. What matters is that you are both safe. Don’t stress over it, just learn from it and move on. You are a great mother and that’s just proven in how much you are worrying about this.”

It was such a loving and forgiving response that I’ll never forget it. I should have been relieved from that conversation but I wasn’t though. I told myself that even if he forgave me, I knew better. What I had done was unacceptable. Days after the incident, I still hadn’t forgiven myself. 

A long while after this all happened, I had a friend of mine text me freaking out saying that she just got home and had forgotten to strap her baby into the car seat before driving. My response to that? 

“It’s ok! Don’t stress out, what matters is that you both are safe! You are a great mom who loves your kids deeply and this doesn’t change that, not even one bit. Don’t beat yourself up over it!”

I wasn’t just saying it because they were nice words. I wanted her to know and believe that she was a great mom. That one mistake doesn’t mean she’s not worthy. I knew it was the truth and I wouldn’t back down until she accepted it too.

The same words I desperately wanted her to know and believe were the same words I couldn’t accept for myself. 

I’m quick to forgive others but I’m harsh and unforgiving to myself. I see moms do this all the time. They make a mistake and they can’t forgive them self, even though they wouldn’t bat an eye if someone else made that same mistake. Our expectations for ourselves are so much higher than those that we have for our friends or family. 

If you find yourself being hard on yourself, I encourage you to stop and pretend that whatever mistake you just made was instead made by a close friend. What would you tell her? 

Now stop and tell that to yourself. 

You wouldn’t tell your friend that she’s worthless and useless. You wouldn’t tell your friend that she can’t be forgiven. You wouldn’t tell your friend that she doesn’t deserve her child. You wouldn’t tell your friend that her kid would be better suited with another mom. You wouldn’t tell your friend that she clearly doesn’t love her kid. You would never say all that to someone you love. 

Don’t say it to yourself, either.

That mistake you made? It’s going to be ok. You aren’t the only one who isn’t perfect. You aren’t even the first mom who has made that exact same mistake before. Your children will be ok. They probably won’t even remember whatever it is that happened. 

It’s going to be ok. 

Try to see yourself the way your friends see you. 

The way your family sees you. 

The way God sees you. 

Imperfectly perfect.