One Day

I knew that motherhood was going to be difficult. Having been a nanny for several years prior to my first pregnancy, I never once doubted that.

What I underestimated, though, was how difficult it would be. How exhausting it would be. How little time I would get to myself (do bathroom breaks count as time to myself if my child stares at me from the sink while I pee?). How often I would cry. How often I would fail. How emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually drained I would be.

All this pretty much on a daily basis.

It's hard to enjoy going out because I'm running after children constantly. I'm terrified of someone snatching my kids up so I won't let them too far away from me, but they have so much energy that they go all crazy. They always seem to hurt themselves some how. I always forget something everywhere we go. I'm considering just keeping half their closet in my trunk because, well, potty training. Need I say more? We have to work around nap schedules and going out tends to mean naptime happens in the car, or worse, not at all. It's just so much stress that it's simply easier to stay home.

It's hard to enjoy meals (especially in restaurants) because I have to either choose to feed the kiddos first while everyone else eats and my plate gets cold, or eat with everyone else while everyone stares at my kids making the mess of a lifetime with their food. Lose lose situation. And don't get me started on the trips to the potty during the meal. One time we went out with friends and I made three potty trips (with the same kid!) before I got a bite in. That last potty trip was actually right when the food arrived, of course.

And we can't talk about parenting responsibilities without talking about a lack of alone time. My kids almost never want to leave my side. It's overwhelmingly precious and utterly frustrating at the same time. Sometimes you just need 10 minutes to yourself. I'll try to sneak away sometimes (because I have the gigantic blessing of family who can help) but I'm typically about 5 steps away when the boys (especially my youngest) realize that I'm leaving. Oh, the horror. So they start crying and yelling "mommy", which of course makes me feel guilty and ruins any chance of actual rest, all while stressing out whoever I'm leaving the kids with for those moments.

It's all just too much sometimes. 

Sometimes I'm just done parenting. Sometimes I just let the kids feed themselves and say I'll clean up the mess later. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to stop what I was doing to clean up a potty accident. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the last one done at almost every meal. Sometimes I wish the kids would just play nice and quiet and that they would clean up their own mess instead of screaming and dumping every toy they own onto the floor. Sometimes I pass my phone to my kids so they can play a game while I take 10 minutes to close my eyes.

Sometimes, on the really hard days, I cry and wish for this phase to be over so we can be in the next one already.

Then I remember that one day we will be. 

One day the boys will go to the bathroom all by themselves. One day they will serve and feed themselves. One day they will pick out their own clothes and dress themselves. One day they will pack their own things and buckle themselves into a car I won't even be in. One day they will want to be alone rather than spending time with me. One day they will choose friends and girls over their mommy. One day, I may never get called "mommy" again, but just simply "mom".

One day they won't need me anymore.

Everyday that passes is a day closer to that moment. Right now I get the snuggles when we play together. I get to hold their tiny hands as we walk to the bathroom together. I get to tickle the kiddo's sides as I put them into their car seats. I get to play "I spy" and "Simon Says" and sing silly songs that we make up together while we drive around. I get to feel them breathing as they sleep in my arms. I get bombarded with hugs and kisses, and I hear "I love you, mommy" countless times a day. 

Today you might cry because of how difficult these years are. But sooner than we know it, we will be crying because we can never get these days, hours, and minutes back. This moment, this exact moment, is one we will long to relive. 

So, sure it's tough being a mom. By far one of the toughest things I've ever done in my life, even. But don't give up. Don't let the hardest of days bring you down. Those days end and usually are followed with some amazing lifelong memory making moments. 

Mommas, remember how incredibly blessed you are. Not only to have those sweet little ones in your arms, but to know that that is exactly where they want to be. Those sweet babies are in the happiest place on Earth.

Right in their mommy's arms.