Mom Groups That Are Supportive

If you are a mom on any sort of social media, chances are you belong, or have belonged, in an online parenting/mothering group of some kind. Whether that’s a group for single parents, moms in your local town, girl moms, boy moms, special needs moms, pregnant moms, new moms, athletic moms, city moms, country moms, homeschooling moms, private school moms, Christian moms, football moms, dance moms, crunchy moms, bad moms, moms of twins.....whatever your situation, there’s a group of moms connecting over it.

Connecting. Notice I didn’t say supporting. 

If you are in one of these mom groups, you know (and find out pretty quickly) that support doesn’t always come running as you may initially hope and assume. You actually find out that, unfortunately, the opposite happens way too often. The amount of times you have a mom that asks a question just to be bombarded with judge-mental comments happens all too frequently. You get familiar with the hashtag  “#admin”. You know that if there’s over 100 comments, typically it’s because some argument has started somewhere along the way. You constantly see posts starting with “please don’t judge me, but...”

Unless you’ve struck mom group gold, chances are you double think every post you put up. 

We all have this image of what the perfect mom support group looks like and often find that most groups fall short of that image. Each group, while often having at least one similarity in common, is full of so many different kinds of personalities. Even if you are “just simply looking for support”, that support looks different to each individual. It will never be exactly what we all imagine it to be, and if it was, well there would only be one person in each perfect group. 

You, and you alone.

But, oh my, what a beautiful thing it is when a group bands together and truly encourages and takes care of each other. 

Recently, in one of my mom groups on Facebook, I posted a picture of a near empty kid’s vitamin bottle. I posted about how my 2 year old secretly grabbed the bottle, hid, opened, and ate 80-90 of his vitamins before my husband and I had found out. I posted it saying something along the lines of “In case you happen to have a mom fail this week and think to yourself that you are the worst mom ever...at least your kid didn’t eat 3 months worth of vitamins in one day.” I knew (or hoped, rather) that some people would encourage me, letting me know I wasn’t alone. I also was weary of all the moms who may judge me. “Where were you when he was eating all these?!” “Why weren’t they up higher?!?” “How could you not know?!” I figured the encouragement would be worth the negative comments I had coming for me. 

Turns out, this post was my most popular post ever. 500+ reactions and 300+ comments (and counting!). As I settled down to read through the post, I prepared myself for arguments, judgements, and unfriendly suggestions mixed somewhere in all those comments. 

But much to my surprise, I read every single comment and there was not even one judge-mental comment to be found. 

Not even one. 

Every single comment was filled with either a story of what their child had done in comparison, a piece of encouragement, or just simply a note saying they were glad everything turned out ok and that my 2 year old was safe. 

I may have shed a tear or two over this post, simply because of so many moms coming together with the intent of reminding us all that these things happen, we aren’t alone, and it doesn’t make us a bad mom. 

And that’s not even the best example of a group working together and showing love that I have witnessed. 

I’ve been a part of several mom groups that have had members say they can’t handle the stress of new mom life and cry out that they can’t handle life anymore. These moms were flooded with encouragement, numbers to call, comments pleading for them to private message them back so they can talk...people who have never met in person but understand how critical, depressing, and hard these moments are. Not giving up, not scrolling away, but instead knowing and understanding that there is a real person on the other side of that screen. Someone who they don’t individually know, but still someone worth giving time and effort to. For the sake of that mother, for the sake of her family, and for the sake of the invisible mom going through the same thing who isn’t as strong to reach out themselves, but who is also reading every comment. 

I’ve been a part of a group that had one of its members pass away unexpectedly. This group didn’t just say “oh my heart goes out to the family!”, they didn’t just get curious and want to know the details of what happened. This beautiful group of ladies got together with amazing plans to help this now single father. Plans to drop off dinner, plans to donate money, and plans to drop off boxes of diapers and wipes. This sweet lady who had passed away didn’t know it at the time, but she belonged in a group that would take care of her family when she wasn’t there to take care of them herself anymore. 

You guys, THAT is what a mom group should look like.

Not sharing ugly comments about things that don't matter, but sharing encouragement and lifting each other up.

If you belong in a group like this, don’t take it for granted. Instead, just love on those moms that you may never meet in real life and support them as though they are your best friends. Laugh together through the funny moments, encourage through the hard, and band together through the unthinkable. 

It's what you are looking for, it’s what other moms are looking for, and it’s what those groups were created for. 

And, oh, what a beautiful thing it is when it actually pans out that way. 

“The Best” of Your Life

2014 was a huge year for me. It was the year I got married, it was the year I became a mom, and it was the year I quit working to be a stay at home momma. 

In one year, it seemed as though all of my dreams for my life came true. 

At the end of 2014, in my obligatory Facebook “New Years Eve toast”, I wrote a little paragraph about how 2014 was likely to be the best year of my life. That year was such an impactful year that I believed nothing else could compare.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but how sad would that be if it really was true? 

Not because those moments weren’t amazing. My wedding day will always be one of the happiest days of my life. Becoming a mother for the first time will always be one of the greatest experiences of my life. And finally getting to be a stay at home mom was something I’ll never forget. But if 2014 was the best year of my life and I was only 25 at the time, what did that mean for the rest of my life? 

It gives off this illusion that 2014 was the climax and now everything else is downhill. It gives off this illusion that nothing else in life will ever match those feelings I had. It gives off the illusion that the best of my life is already over. 

It gives this illusion that I have nothing left to look forward to. 

Which is so incredibly incorrect that I’ve already been proven wrong. 

In 2016 I gave birth to my second baby boy and became a momma of two. That day will forever be one of the best days of my life. 

In 2017 I took my first missions trip which God used to help my husband and I see that we were being called to the mission field. That amazing moment of surrender changed the course of our lives forever. 

In 2018 my husband and I had a very tough conversation about our marriage that ended up breaking us both down, but ultimately brought our marriage out of this constant, daily struggle we had been in. That moment changed us and God used it to save our marriage. 

As time passes I’m continually reminded that the best is not only what's behind me. 

True, your wedding day and the day you become a mom are two of the biggest days in a woman’s life. But there is still so much left to experience in life. So much left to look forward to. 

Like that moment when your children accept Jesus as their person Lord and Savior. That moment when you compare your children’s “First day of Kindergarten” photo next to their “Last day of High School” photo. That moment when you are holding hands with the love of your life while watching your child marry the love of their life. That moment when you meet your first grandchild, and every grandchild after that. That moment when you celebrate 50 years of marriage, 50 years of struggles, 50 years of never giving up with the person you barely knew on your wedding day. 

There are likely some amazing days in your past. Some breathtaking days that you will never forget. Days that will be stitched onto your heart until your final breath. But there are still amazing things waiting in your future. Amazing days that you can’t even wrap your head around right now. Amazing moments just waiting for you to experience. 

So no. The best is not only the moments behind you. But it’s also the moments yet to come. The best is remembering the past. The best is unfolding now. The best is what we have waiting for us in the future. 

“The best” can’t be boiled down to a day or a year. It’s everything all jumbled together. It’s everything you can experience in one lifetime. 

The best isn’t really a short specific time frame or moment. 

It’s, simply put, your entire life as a whole. 

Busy Is Not Always Best

Before I had kids, I had a pretty simple schedule of work, household duties, and that was pretty much it. I saw friends having all sorts of things scheduled and planned. I remember sitting at home wishing that I was that involved. 

Wishing that I was that busy. 

Over time I got married, had a child, joined a church, and branched out somewhere along the way. It felt amazing to finally have places to be and things to do. People depended on me to be places, to help out, to be a part of the group. It was wonderful and I still remember how great it felt to finally not just be alive, but actually be living each day. 

Then at some point, things kept stacking up, more and more. I went from one kid to two. I went from a pleasant amount of responsibilities and commitments to me just barely managing to juggle it all. And some days were so rough that I didn’t manage to juggle anything at all. Everything just came crashing down instead, sometimes at the expense of those around me. 

At some point, I laid on my bed crying because I just needed life to slow down. I couldn’t handle it all anymore. 

On the extreme days, I wanted to remove myself from everything all together and go back to the days where I just sat at home alone and doing nothing. 

The hardest part wasn’t even how I was feeling about my own life. I had placed all this responsibility on myself, I had no one to blame but myself. The hardest was was realizing how blind I was to how it was affecting my children. Day after day, I woke them up. We hurried through breakfast (some days, breakfast happened in the car), we went from point A to Point B....then C, D, E, F and so on and so on. I constantly was telling the boys things like, “Not now. Mommy is busy” or “We can’t play right now, we have to get going.” Not only was I stressing my own self out, but my children were involuntarily being strung along too. I kept telling myself “They are fine. They are getting out and about. They see their friends. They get some fresh air.” 

Then one morning, after a particularly rough week, the simplest thing made me realize how incredibly wrong I was.

After this rough week was though, we finally had a day to ourselves. A day to sleep in, a day to relax, a day to spend just the boys and I. I turned off my alarms and told myself I would wake up when the kids woke up, assuming that to be around 7-7:30, roughly their usual time to wake. 

So when I woke up at 10:15 and heard nothing at all from the boys room, I sorta freaked out a bit. I jumped up and went to check on them. Sure enough, they were both still sleeping soundly in their beds. 

I remember going back to my bed and texting my husband to tell him. I remember being SO grateful that God gave me this morning to sleep in that I so desperately needed. Then in a sudden moment of realization, my heart sunk and I started crying. 

I had caused not only myself to burn out, but I caused my children to burn out too. 

My children who (other than sickness) never EVER slept in past 8am, slept until 10:30 that morning. They got to wake up on their own terms. They got to eat a real breakfast at our table, and they got to eat as slow as their hearts desired. They got to play with their toys all day. They had a whole day of their mommy playing along side them, not too busy with anything else. We played outside and went at their pace. We had a whole day that revolved around them, and only them.

I remember falling asleep that night with tears in my eyes and apologizing to God for failing at taking care of these children He had trusted me with. 

I remember the amount of guilt that I felt when I woke my children up the next day and continued our rushed schedule. It pained me and I couldn’t shake it. Then, on the radio, a song, that I had heard several times but never actually truly listened to, played. (Lyrics down at the end of this post!) I actually listened to the lyrics for the first time and instantly felt like God was telling me, “Tiffany. Slow down.” 

It took having an emotional break down, near depression, and burning out my children before I realized I needed to stop. It took loosing my smile and forgetting where the joy was in every situation. It took people coming up to me and asking if I was ok because I just wasn’t myself anymore.

It took acknowledging that I had, indeed, let myself turn into someone even I didn’t recognize. 

I finally passed some responsibilities on and prioritized my life a little better and it changed my attitude and mood immediately. It was hard to admit that I couldn't handle it all anymore. It was hard to let go of things and positions that I once loved. It was hard asking for help.

But it was worth it.

You know yourself better than anyone else. Are you feeling like you just can’t handle day to day life anymore? Do you have almost every day planned, even every hour of your day planned? If a friend told you she needed you, could you be there for her? If your family wanted to see you, would you have to schedule out weeks in advance to spend a day with them? Do you wish that you could just slow down for once in your life? 

You can. 

Slowing down doesn’t happen happen over night. You can’t just drop everything all at once, at least not responsibly. But you can start prioritizing everything. Group responsibilities that you have into categories of “have to do” “can possibly let go” and “absolutely need to pass on to someone else”. Start praying that God will bring some people to take over the responsibilities you need to say good bye to. Which, if you are fully confident that you are meant to pass it on, I can assure you that God already has someone in mind. It’s hard to think about but, by holding on to responsibilities you need to let go, you are causing someone else to not be able to serve and grow in a way that they need to be. This was true of myself, for sure. 

Once those responsibilities are passed on, look through the ones you may be able to do without and reevaluate how you feel about them. Better? Still negative feelings? Pray! Do whatever you feel God is leading you to do. And for the ones you can’t let go of, just pray and focus more attention on being the best you can be for those roles. With some hopefully freed up time, you may be in a better mindset to get through things on a daily basis. 

Being busy happens in life sometimes. It just does. 

But being so busy that you can’t be a good family member, friend, wife, or mother? Being so busy that you don't find the joy in anything anymore? Being so busy that you can’t find the time to do what really matters at the end of your life? Being so busy you can’t do what God is telling you to do? 

Nothing is worth being that busy. 

It's ok.

You can slow down.

"Third cup of joe just to get me through the day
want to make the most of time, but I feel it slip away.
I wonder if there's something more to this crazy life.
I'm busy, busy, busy, and it's no surprise to see,
That I only have time for me, me, me.
There's gotta be something more to this crazy life.
I'm hanging on tight to another wild day
whit it starts to fall apart, in my heart I hear you say just
breath, just breath.
Come and rest at my feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls, but all you really need
Is to take it in, fill your lungs 
The peace of God that overcomes
Just breath
Let your weary spirit rest
Lay down what's good and find what's best
Just breath."

- Breath by Jonny Diaz

Don't Let Fear Ruin Your Sense Of Community

Oftentimes, when I get home from an evening church service, I immediately rush the kiddos inside and start getting everyone ready for bed. I almost never suggest that we take a walk before going inside. By that time, I’m always worn out for the day and ready to relax, kid free until the morning (or until someone cries in the middle of the night).

That’s why, on Wednesday night after service, it was a shock when I suggested out of the blue that we take a short family walk. It was already 8:45pm, the sun was near set, the kids had not had dinner yet, and we were all tired. 

But for some reason, I really wanted to have a family walk. 

We all set out and the boys were so thrilled for this last minute adventure. Maybe a minute into it, different sidewalk paths met and a man was walking our way. Grayson was running ahead of us, every step brought him further from us and closer to this stranger. 

Red flags started going off in my mind and making me feel uncomfortable. Although this man had done nothing wrong, my crazy momma bear side of me was getting images of my sweet child getting picked up and ran off with, so I yelled over to Grayson for him to stop and wait for us, and I started walking quicker towards him. He did stop though, and we all met together at the same time, including this stranger. 

He greeted us and I smiled politely and said hello back. He tried to get Grayson to say hello back, but Grayson was feeling shy so he just buried his face into my leg. Sawyer, on the other hand, excitedly waved and exclaimed, “Hello!” at this man. This made his face break out into a huge grin. 

He reached over and tickled his arm, looked up at me and mentioned that he loved kids and asked what Sawyer’s name was. I answered his question and then started to step away, but right as I was about to start walking, I got this feeling that I needed to say something more. I looked ahead to Javi and Grayson, who had continued the walk without Sawyer and I. I figured I could catch up in a moment, I just needed to say one more thing then I could politely continue on. 

I asked him if he had any kids at home, since he seemed to do so well with them. 

And then, just like that, our entire conversation shifted and I was no longer on momma bear alert. 

This man told me that he had a son, but that he passed away from leukemia. That he was 10 years old and him and his wife were coming upon the 2 year anniversary of his death in just a few weeks. That he wasn’t struggling with it anymore because he knows his son isn’t in pain anymore, but that he never goes a day without thinking of him and missing him. That when he sees kiddos out playing and having fun with their families, like we were doing, it made him happy to see parents not wasting their time with their children. That he would give anything to be able to take a walk with his son again. 

This momma about bawled right then and there.

In the time that we talked, he showed me a picture of his son, told me about what his son struggled with before passing, and about how it hurts him to see parents not understanding the blessing that their kids are. He mentioned that he doesn’t always share with strangers that he had a kid, not because he won’t talk about him but because the topic doesn’t come up. Because of that, he told me he has been told by parents that him and his wife were “lucky” to not have children since they can do whatever they want, when they want. He told me about how his heart breaks when people say that because he would give anything to be “bothered”, as those parents put it, by his son again. 

He reminded me to enjoy my kids, even on the tough days. He reminded me to see my boys for the blessing that they were, and to never take a moment for granted like he use to. He reminded me to always stop and take moments like we were that night, to take family walks, to go outside and play, to read books and talk about each day. 

His story reminded me that I’m not promised any set amount of days with my children. 

In the time that we were talking, Javi and Grayson had already made a lap. The man thanked me for listening to his story, said that he appreciated me listening, and then we said our goodbyes and parted ways. But throughout dinner and the rest of the night, I couldn’t stop thinking about him and our encounter. I fully believe that God led me to want to talk a walk so that our paths would cross. 

My first instinct when I saw him was fear of something bad happening. He didn’t look suspicious, he didn’t act suspicious, and I had no prior knowledge of him. He was just somebody in our apartment complex out walking. I have learned to fear strangers though, especially when my children are a part of the equation. I never wanted to turn that encounter into a conversation, but instead I just wanted to smile and move on with my family. But once he started talking, I wanted to keep listening. It seemed to help him to talk about it, and it helped me to remember that I’m not promised any amount of time with my children. 

Had I kept walking out of fear, I would have been passing by a blessing for the both of us. 

Use your common sense and mommy intuition, of course, but also follow the Holy Spirit. Don’t let fear turn you away from meeting new people. The world isn’t always this scary place where everyone is out to get you. It’s a place that is full of broken and hurting people, aching to find some sort of healing and comfort. Their main source of comfort is only going to come from God, but God can use you if you are willing to be a listening ear. 

The next time you are out and about, try to take the time to talk to someone. 

Get to know their story. 

When the chance arises, share yours. 

That’s what being a part of a “village” is all about. 

This One Is For You, Dads.

Dear Dads,

Oftentimes you may feel forgotten and you don’t always get the credit you deserve. Moms repeatedly get recognition while you sometimes get treated like you have no part in your family at all. Like you aren’t as important. 

But let me tell you, that couldn't be any more wrong. 

Dads, you model what selfless love is. Day in and day out, you give the best of what you have to offer and take only the leftovers. You make sure your family is comfortable, even when it makes you uncomfortable. You work your life away to give your family the best life they can have, and you do it without complaining (and often times, without proper appreciation). 

To the dads of babies, toddlers, and young children: 

While everyone focuses on mom and baby, you often get tossed to the sidelines. But you aren’t forgotten about. Your loving support during those tough few months and years are so vital, and your struggles are just as important as mom's. While she has the weight of the children on her shoulders, you have the weight of your whole family on yours.

Your level of sacrifice hits an extreme. You are still establishing a firm financial foundation for your household, which often translates to long days and nights working. You oftentimes miss out on the first milestones, the celebrations, the recitals and ball games. You often miss seeing the practices that lead up to the main performances, and sometimes you even miss those too. You give up so much to be able to provide for your family and it's such a noble act.

But you can rest assured knowing that you are so loved. Those sweet children of yours miss you dearly when you are gone. They ask about you all day and scream with excitement when you walk through the door. Mommy is often chopped liver to the perfection of their daddy. You can do no wrong in their little eyes.

To the dads of teens and college students: 

Your children may act like you aren’t cool or smart, but behind their embarrassed expressions and pleas to stop telling jokes that aren’t funny to them, they look up to you. They admire you. 

Your sons look to you for their example of who they may be one day. They see a man who will fight for their family, who won’t give up until they get what they are striving for, and who provides until they have nothing left to give. They see glimpses of who they hope to be one day. 

Your daughters look to you for a standard that they will expect in their future husband. You are helping shape who they will hope to marry one day. You are helping to shape their expectations on what kind of love they think they deserve. 

You are molding them, even as they are reaching out for freedom and independence. 

To the dads of grown children and also to the granddads:

Your children are grown now and have families of their own. They may act like your work is done, but it’s not. It never will be. They will forever come to you for advice and guidance. They have a newfound sense of understanding of all that you went through when you were their age. They understand the sacrifices and how hard that was for you. They get it now. 

Love on those beautiful grandchildren of yours. They are the bonus after all your hard work. Take part in helping shape their lives, too. Those little ears are always listening, those little eyes are always watching, and those little hearts love their grandpa with everything they have. 

So, thank you dads. For your sacrifices. For your patience and forgiveness. For your guidance and wisdom. 

But mostly, thank you for your never ending love. 

I Fell In Love With Being a Boy Mom

Growing up I always knew I wanted to be a mom. When I was in high school people asked me what I wanted to go to college for. I came up with careers that I may possibly have found happiness in, but in my heart all I ever wanted to be was a stay at home mom. I would dream about getting married, having babies, and raising them. It was the only thing I truly knew I wanted for my life. 

During college, I nannied. I worked for several amazing families and through those positions I realized something. I didn’t just want to be a mom. 

I wanted to be a girl mom. 

I wanted to buy cute clothing. I wanted to browse through all the bows, the headbands, the leggings, the dresses and fill our home with them. Eventually that would turn into shopping adventures together.

I wanted all the girl toys. I wanted to buy dolls and barbies and dreamed of laying on the floor and playing with them with my daughter one day. Eventually that would turn into mommy daughter dates together to get manicures and make overs. 

I imagined watching all the princess movies together, and down the road that would change to romantic comedies. I imagined sitting around and doing hair together. I imagined pink and purple galore. I imagined passing down my middle name. I pictured this imaginary world that was my definition of perfect. Boys were cool, but they weren't for me. 

In my mind, I was going to be a girl mom. 

I just knew it. 

When that moment came and I found out I was pregnant the first time, I was over the moon excited. All those dreams were within reach. I began looking up baby girl clothes, toys, and accessories. I started finding girl names that matched my middle name. Everyone around me congratulated me and told me, “We just know it! You are going to have a girl!” I knew there was a possibility of me having a boy, and that would be ok, but that was a bridge I would cross when I got there. 

At our 20 week appointment I was so excited. I couldn’t wait for the ultrasound tech to confirm I was in fact having a girl so I could start purchasing items. As I was getting situated, the tech asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby and Javi and I both excitedly blurted out, “YES!”

Then, just like that, I reached that bridge. Within less than 30 seconds, our tech had this perfect view of our baby’s genital area. She was able to very confidently congratulate us on our baby boy. 

I looked over at Javi who was so excited to get the boy he wanted. We exchanged a smile and a kiss and held hands as we excitedly watched as the tech pointed out all the different body parts on this precious baby boy. 

Through the excitement, I sat there wondering what I was going to do with a boy. I was never once sad to have a boy, let me assure you that. The baby was healthy and that’s what truly mattered. I got that. 

I just honestly had no idea what I was going to do with a boy. 

It’s a funny thing, though, because God always knows exactly what we want before we do. I gave birth to Grayson and fell utterly and entirely in love, of course. 

Instead of the pinks and purples I longed for, my home filled with blues and greens. Instead of baby dolls, we had sports balls and cars. Instead of princesses, we had super heroes. 

I not only fell in love with my son, but to my surprise, I fell in love with being a boy mom. 

So much so that when I got pregnant the second time, I longed for another boy. I mean sure, there was the short lived 2 weeks where I wanted a girl. But then as I looked through girl things, I realized I truly hoped it was another boy. The girl stuff was adorable, but it no longer felt like it fit our family. Everyone assured me “It’s ok, you are going to get that baby girl! I just know it!” But it’s like people didn’t hear me. I would be ok with a girl, but it’s not what my heart desired at that moment. I wanted another boy. 

I wanted to continue being a boy mom. 

We waited to find out the sex of the baby until he/she was born. It wasn’t easy but it was exciting. When I was finally in labor, I packed my bags and tossed in both a girl outfit and a boy outfit. I hoped the boy set was what would be pulled out again not too long from now. 

When I gave birth, the nurses handed me our baby and announced, “Its a boy!” and I remember my heart about burst with happiness. I looked down at this new baby boy and I was overjoyed. 

I had always dreamed of being a girl mom, and now here I am, the mom of two boys and loving every second of it. I mean, I could probably do without the poop jokes (although sometimes even I crack a poop joke just because I know it means I’ll get to see a huge smile and hear those adorable laughs), but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

If you are pregnant now, let me reassure you that no matter what you have, you will fall in love. And not just with the baby, because everyone knows that you will love your child no matter what. But you will love everything that comes with having a girl or boy. It may not come natural at first, but before you know it you will be a pro at dance recitals or ball games. 

That sweet baby will help you see all the joy in something you never really saw before. 

So don’t fear the unknown or the unfamiliar. 

Instead, it may just be the greatest thing to ever happen to you.